How complex trauma affects our relationship with ourselves, others and our bodies — and how compassion can support healing.

Sometimes, the effects of trauma are not immediately recognisable.

We may feel deeply hurt by criticism, become overwhelmed by disagreements, or withdraw from people we care about. We might struggle to express our needs, trust others, or shake the feeling that something is wrong with us.

For some people, these patterns may be connected to Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). Understanding complex trauma is not only about recognising symptoms. It can also help us understand how earlier experiences shaped our sense of self, relationships and responses to perceived danger — and how we might begin relating to ourselves with greater compassion.

What Is Complex PTSD?

PTSD and CPTSD share symptoms such as re-experiencing traumatic events, avoiding reminders and feeling an ongoing sense of threat.

CPTSD also involves what the ICD-11 calls disturbances in self-organisation:

• Emotional regulation: Difficulty managing intense feelings, or feeling numb and disconnected.

• Negative self-concept: Persistent shame, worthlessness or a sense of being fundamentally flawed.

• Relationship difficulties: Finding it hard to trust others, feel safe in relationships or sustain closeness.

CPTSD is often associated with prolonged or repeated trauma, particularly when escape was difficult, such as childhood abuse or prolonged family violence. Emotional neglect and insecure relationships may also shape how we relate to ourselves and others, although these experiences do not automatically mean someone has CPTSD.

Not everyone who experiences adversity develops CPTSD, and similar difficulties can arise for other reasons.

How Trauma Shapes Our Sense of Self

Our understanding of ourselves develops partly through our relationships, especially early in life.

A child who is repeatedly criticised might come to believe, “I am not good enough.” A child whose feelings are dismissed may learn, “My needs do not matter.” In an unpredictable home, someone may learn, “I must always be careful.”

These beliefs are not necessarily conscious choices. They may emerge as ways of understanding and adapting to difficult circumstances.

Years later, they can appear as perfectionism, a harsh inner critic, difficulty setting boundaries or a persistent fear of disappointing others.

What looks like a personal weakness may sometimes have begun as an adaptation to earlier experiences.

Instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?”, we might begin to ask, “What happened that led me to feel this way?”

Shame: The Fear of Rejection and the Need to Belong

Shame is often central to the experience of complex trauma.

While guilt commonly relates to something we believe we have done wrong, shame can feel like there is something wrong with who we are.

Yet shame is not simply a painful emotion without purpose. From a social and evolutionary perspective, it can help us notice threats to acceptance and belonging.

If expressing feelings, making mistakes or asking for help repeatedly led to criticism, we may have learned to monitor ourselves closely. We might hide our vulnerabilities, anticipate others’ reactions or try hard to be pleasing and acceptable.

An inner critic might seem to say:

“If I criticise myself first, perhaps nobody else will.”

Or:

“If I never disappoint anyone, perhaps they won’t reject me.”

In this way, shame and self-criticism may sometimes serve a protective purpose. But the attempt to avoid rejection can also prevent us from feeling genuinely known and connected.

Feeling fundamentally flawed is not the same as being flawed.

Relationships and Protective Responses

Our earliest relationships can influence how we experience closeness and safety.

When important people were unpredictable, frightening or emotionally unavailable, we may have learned that relationships require constant vigilance.

Sometimes both tendencies exist together: we long for connection yet feel threatened when someone gets close. This can create an exhausting tension between the need for connection and the need for safety.

When we sense danger, protective responses may arise automatically. These are often described as:

• Fight: Becoming defensive or angry when feeling threatened or humiliated.

• Flight: Avoiding conflict, leaving or withdrawing to prevent further hurt.

• Freeze: Going silent, feeling stuck or struggling to respond when overwhelmed.

• Fawn: Appeasing or pleasing others to reduce conflict and preserve connection.

These descriptions are not fixed personality types. Fawn is a useful term for appeasing behaviour, not a formal diagnosis or a distinct, established physiological defence category.

Shame and fear of rejection can become closely linked with these patterns. Someone might freeze during an argument, then feel ashamed for not speaking up and avoid the next difficult conversation. Someone else might repeatedly prioritise others’ needs until they lose touch with their own.

Protective responses can also be felt in the body: tightness in the chest, a racing heart, muscular tension, numbness or an urgent need to escape. We may intellectually know that we are safe while our body still reacts as though there is danger.

Understanding the Parts of Ourselves That Try to Protect Us

People affected by complex trauma sometimes experience conflicting feelings or impulses.

One part may criticise us to prevent mistakes. Another may urge us to withdraw before someone can hurt us. Another may try to keep everyone happy, while a different part longs to express anger, sadness or unmet needs.

A compassionate, parts-informed approach invites us to explore what these patterns may be trying to protect.

Understanding a behaviour's possible protective origins does not mean it is still helping us today. But instead of fighting these reactions, we can gently ask what they fear and what might help them feel safer.

Sometimes, the parts of ourselves we struggle with most are the very parts that have been trying to protect us.

Healing Through Compassion and Connection

Healing from complex trauma is individual and often gradual. It may begin with developing greater emotional and bodily safety, understanding our feelings, setting boundaries or finding ways to remain connected during distress.

Therapy can also support the processing of traumatic memories and the painful beliefs that developed around them. Approaches such as EMDR, Compassion Focused Therapy and other trauma-informed therapies may help, depending on the person's circumstances and readiness.

Importantly, therapy does not always begin by revisiting traumatic memories. Developing trust, emotional regulation and a sense of safety may come first.

Self-compassion can be difficult when we have relied on criticism to keep ourselves safe or motivated. Yet compassion is not about excusing harmful behaviour or pretending everything is fine. It is about recognising suffering and responding in ways that do not add further pain.

Instead of attacking our inner critic, we might wonder what it is afraid would happen if it stopped pushing so hard. Instead of judging our need to withdraw, we might explore what makes closeness feel unsafe.

Over time, we may learn to recognise protective patterns without being governed by them, connect with others without abandoning ourselves, and experience difficult feelings with greater steadiness.

Healing does not mean erasing the past. It may mean discovering that the past no longer has to shape every response we make today.

Our experiences may have shaped us, but they do not need to determine who we become.

Trauma Therapy at Wisdom Psychotherapy

At Wisdom Psychotherapy, I offer a compassionate, integrative approach to complex trauma and attachment-related difficulties. My work draws on EMDR, Compassion Focused Therapy, Buddhist Psychotherapy, and body-oriented and parts-informed approaches tailored to each person.

If these experiences resonate with you, you are welcome to get in touch to explore whether therapy may be helpful.

Wisdom Psychotherapy — Compassion | Integration | Inner Truth

Trauma-informed psychotherapy in Brunswick, Melbourne, and via telehealth.